If I'm being honest with myself, I can admit the real reason behind my newfound desire to clean up. It's not cause I've been watching Hoaders. It's not that we're moving to Prague. Or I should say it's not only because of those things. About two months ago I had a follow-up with my doctor. It was supposed to be checking up on my thyroid medication but it happened to be a rough day at work and I ended up crying, complaining about my life. After speaking with me, he suggested I start taking an antidepressant. I wouldn't have said I was depressed, just that work sucked, other drivers on the road sucked, my kids sucked sometimes, etc. But looking back now, I think I've been depressed for years. Maybe since Dacian was born. I think the change happened so gradually that I didn't notice. Dealing with mom definitely made it worse. I've just been letting life pass me by for the last four years.
But all that's changed. I feel energized to clean, to organize. I'm cooking more than I have in years, trying out new recipes, perfecting old ones. I've had a binder filled with recipes I've printed out that I've been meaning to hole punch and get organized...for the last 3 years. Somehow it's never gotten done. So now, I've bought an app for the Mac that I can type them all in, categorize and rate them. I've been doing a few a night and am slowly plodding through. I've been meaning to clean out the closet forever. I got that mostly done last weekend, still organizing but it looks better than it has ever. I ended up donating 12 bags of clothes to Big Brothers, Big Sisters.
I feel better about being a mom. Dacian is very irritating, like most four-year olds I'm sure, but I've been more patient with him and more willing to get down on the floor and play. We've been doing more activities as a family too. I think Dacian notices and appreciates the change in me.
And work...? Well, work sucks. Let me rephrase that...WORK SUCKS!!! I thought it was horrible before, when I felt like shit. Now that I feel so much better, it's amazing how crappy work is. I feel underappreciated and harassed. It's to the point where I don't even care if I get fired. I like the work I do, I do a good job, I am pleasant and helpful. But I couldn't care less. My doctor actually told me to look for a new job because mine was stressing me out too much. Not very practical advice in this economy but I appreciate the sentiment.
So I feel better in all aspects of my life, except work. For now that's acceptable. I'm willing to sacrifice 40 hours a week to being (not miserable, not even unhappy) let's go with grumpy. I will take pleasure in my home, my husband, my children, cooking good food and reading.
I'm glad you are feeling better!
ReplyDeleteI had about six months of waking up feeling like I was carrying something heavy after Daniel died. I know it isn't the same thing, but I just didn't have any energy to spare and everything was kind of monochromatic. It's a huge difference when that eases.
Don't really know what else to say (and I hope you don't mind the random comments!) but I do hope that everything continues to improve.